Have you ever felt lonely and misunderstood in conversations with your husband? Or don’t know how to talk to your husband?!
It is the worst feeling!
I have felt the most misunderstood in:
- How I wanted my husband to love me
- How I wanted to partner with him in parenting, caring for the household, and reaching our financial goals.
- How I wanted to love him
I’ve learned the #1 key to reducing this feeling of despair and helping my husband to better understand me.
And I’m sharing it all with you on today!
If you have been around here long enough, it might not be surprising to hear that the answer starts with understanding yourself!
I longed for my husband to understand me. But in order for him to understand me, I needed to understand me.
I had spent so much time worrying about what he thought and felt that I didn’t even know what I thought or felt. I really didn’t know myself.
When I took the time to unpack my own thoughts and feelings, I began to understand that I feared I was unlovable. Unbeknownst to me that was subconsciously coming out in all of our conversations, as I looked for ways to make myself right that I in fact wasn’t lovable.
Because I didn’t realize that was what I was doing, I felt misunderstood and hurt by his responses.
He couldn’t understand how to make me feel loved. And that’s because that isn’t his job.
As long as I believed I was unlovable, I was not going to feel understood by him.
Another aspect of learning to understand myself came from discovering what I really wanted. Until that point, all of our conversations had essentially been me asking him to read my mind. We are not mind readers. I needed to understand myself before I could communicate in ways that allowed him to understand me.
The truth is, I struggled to love my husband because I struggled to love myself.
So what does beginning to understand yourself look like?
It starts by nurturing your emotions by acknowledging that you are feeling something. It’s pausing to figure out what that emotion is trying to tell you.
Emotions are our thoughts that are trapped in our body, looking for language.
Understanding yourself also involves deciding who you are committed to be. As I began to get clear that I was committed to being a kind, loving, and honest spouse, I could show up in conversations understanding myself. I was able to look for ways I was either being who I was committed to be or not.
The more I got clear on who I was committing to be, the easier it was for my husband to understand me.
The last part of understanding yourself is asking yourself hard questions, so that you know what it is you want. When you know what it is you want, you are able to present your spouse with a request.
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