Let’s look at a listener’s question that many spouses grapple with: “How do I know if our marriage is still worth the effort or if it’s time to move on?” This particular question came from Anastasia, and it’s a perfect opportunity to delve into an issue that affects many relationships.

When you’re questioning the viability of your marriage, it’s crucial to shift the focus from the marriage itself to what’s happening within you. The real question isn’t about the marriage’s condition but rather, “Do I want my marriage to last? What’s working and not working in our relationship? What am I contributing to the issues we face?”

Marriage isn’t a passive entity that dictates your choices. Instead, it’s a dynamic system created by both partners, influenced by individual behaviors, preferences, and subconscious agreements. Understanding your role in this system is the first step toward creating what you want.

For instance, in my own marriage, there was a time I grappled with this question. It didn’t serve me. Then I decided to take responsibility and look at the systems that my husband & I had built. One recurring system involved financial decisions. My husband prefers spending, while I lean towards saving. This led to a pattern where I would manipulate the situation to get his approval on purchases, only to blame him later when our budget was exceeded. This system fostered resentment on both sides.

Every couple has their unique systems. The challenge is to recognize these patterns, understand your contribution, and work towards a healthier dynamic. It’s not about whether your spouse can change or if the marriage can be “fixed.” Instead, ask yourself, “What can I change about my approach? What boundaries do I need to set? Can I respect and honor my spouse while maintaining these boundaries?”

When one spouse stops their contributions to the systems that aren’t working, the system breaks down and something new can be created in it’s place. As that spouse chooses something new if they are able to hold the boundaries they need and can show up loving and respectful, there is huge possibiity for the marriage to heal and evole into a mutually satifisfying relationship. 

I invite you to watch the full episode for a more in-depth discussion. Your insights and experiences are invaluable, so please leave a comment on the YouTube video sharing your thoughts. Let’s create a community where we can support each other in building the marriages we desire.

Stay curious, and thank you for joining me on this journey!

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