Welcome to the Hey Julia Woods blog, where we dive deep into the transformative journey of marriage and relationships. As the founder of Beautiful Outcome, my passion is to help couples understand and truly see each other, even amid difficult conversations. In today’s episode, I had the privilege of sitting down with Melinda, a repeat guest, whose personal journey sheds light on the battle between avoidance and transformation in relationships.

Tending to Our Own Backyard

In marriage, it’s easy to focus on what our spouse is doing (or not doing) rather than looking inward. Using the analogy of individual fenced backyards, we explored how personal transformation begins with cleaning up our own emotional and mental space rather than attempting to fix our partner. When we shift our attention from standing at the fence, critiquing our spouse’s actions, to tending our own backyard, we contribute to a more beautiful and connected marriage.

Filling the Days to Avoid Reality

Melinda shared how she unknowingly distracted herself from deeper issues in her marriage by keeping busy. Growing up in a military family, she developed a habit of staying productive—making lists, accomplishing tasks, and moving forward without pausing to process emotions. Her full schedule became a shield against uncomfortable feelings and unspoken tensions in her marriage. This pattern is common among many individuals who use busyness as a coping mechanism to avoid self-reflection and deeper emotional work.

The Power of Unspoken Conversations

One of the most significant revelations in Melinda’s story was how avoidance played a destructive role in her marriage. She recounted a pivotal moment when she accepted a demanding job without first discussing it with her husband, Jeff. Though she rationalized the decision with external justifications, deep down, she knew she was bypassing an important conversation. Over time, this pattern of avoiding hard discussions created resentment and emotional distance.

The lesson? Open and honest communication is essential before a relationship reaches a breaking point. Avoidance may feel like the easier route in the moment, but in the long run, it erodes trust and intimacy.

Redefining Self-Care and Growth

Melinda also shared a powerful shift in how she viewed self-care. What once seemed like indulgent activities—such as spa days—evolved into meaningful practices that nurtured her soul. She found healing in journaling, intentional prayer, practicing forgiveness, and keeping a gratitude list. Through these actions, she created space for self-awareness, vulnerability, and deeper connection with her husband.

True self-care isn’t about escapism—it’s about doing the internal work necessary to show up fully in relationships. We become better partners, friends, and individuals when we prioritize self-reflection and growth.

The Battle Within: Villain vs. Hero

One of the most profound takeaways from this conversation was recognizing the ongoing battle between our inner villain and hero. The villain thrives on self-reliance, control, and avoidance, keeping us isolated. The hero, however, chooses connection, vulnerability, and honesty. Marriages often serve as the stage where this battle unfolds—challenging us to either build walls or create bridges.

Melinda and Jeff chose the path of vulnerability. Instead of allowing resentment to harden their relationship, they embraced the discomfort of healing and transformation. The result? A renewed connection that is stronger than before.

Leaving a Legacy of Hope

By rewriting their story and choosing authenticity, Melinda and Jeff are leaving behind a legacy of hope for themselves, their children, and future generations. Their willingness to break old patterns and build a marriage rooted in truth and connection is a powerful reminder that transformation is possible for anyone willing to do the work.

As you reflect on your own life, ask yourself:

• Where might you be building walls instead of bridges?
• How are you choosing to fill your days, and what deeper truths might you be avoiding?

The journey of transformation starts within your own backyard. When you tend to your own growth, you create a ripple effect that enhances every relationship around you.

Click here to listen to this podcast episode: How I got back 2/3’s of my day

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If Melinda’s story resonated with you, I encourage you to share this message with others seeking change in their relationships. Let’s continue the journey toward stronger, more connected marriages—one courageous step at a time.