Listening is a fundamental component of love and connection, a point beautifully articulated by Paul Tillich, who said that “the first duty of love is to listen.” However, as humans, we often find ourselves listening selfishly. As a couple’s coach and trainer who has been married for 35 years, Julia is passionate about helping couples create the marriages they long for. Through her experiences, she has learned that listening—or our lack of effective listening—can be a significant barrier. She shares three critical signs that you might be selfishly listening.

1. Not Asking Questions

The first indicator of selfish listening is not asking questions. When your spouse speaks, and you don’t inquire further, it implies you assume you’ve fully understood what was said. We never entirely grasp another person’s words because our confirmation bias filters them, distorting and generalizing what we hear into our narrative. Accepting this human limitation means helping ourselves and our spouse by asking clarifying questions like, “Is this what you said?” or “This is what I heard you say, is that correct?”

 2. Becoming Defensive

Another sign you may be listening selfishly is if you become defensive often during conversations. If your partner shares something, and your instinct is to defend yourself, it indicates you’re making their words about you. Remember, what they express is about their experience—even if it involves you. For instance, if my husband tells me I’m self-centered, he’s sharing his perspective, not a definitive truth. In these moments, choosing to ask for more information rather than immediately defending oneself signifies a move towards generous listening. It’s about valuing the feedback to assess whether there’s something worth contemplating.

3. Preparing Your Reply

Lastly, if you’re preoccupied with crafting your response while your spouse is talking, this is a classic trait of selfish listening. Your inner dialogue takes precedence over the external conversation, distancing you from truly engaging with them. Awareness is empowering, as recognizing this in ourselves allows for transformation in how we interact.

 Embracing Generous Listening

If any of these resonate with you, recognize that we all fall prey to selfish listening—it’s an intrinsic human trait. However, recognizing this tendency enables us to develop a more generous listening habit. Here’s an effective exercise: when your spouse speaks, aim to reiterate what you’ve heard. This approach shifts focus from internal to outward listening, enhancing conversations significantly. In my marriage, this has led to my husband feeling more understood and visible, revealing new insights about his worldview.

Try the Generous Listening Exercise

I encourage you to try this generous listening exercise today and share your experiences in the comments below. Click here to listen to the full episode.

Thank you for joining me on this journey to improving our listening skills.

Click here to watch the full episode.

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