Marriage is often portrayed as a journey of togetherness, but what happens when two people live under the same roof yet don’t realize they feel lonely with each other? In this powerful episode of Hey Julia Woods, we meet Josh and Mandy, a couple who discovered they had drifted into what they call “parallel lives” despite being physically present with each other every day.

Their story begins with a shocking revelation: despite being married for 13 years and raising two young children together, they rated their sense of loneliness in the marriage at a level eight out of ten. What makes their experience so compelling is that neither of them realized the depth of their disconnection until they attended Breakthrough, a marriage workshop. As Mandy explains, “I think 24 hours before Breakthrough, I don’t think we would have said that we were that lonely… its almost like it pulled the veil away and we saw what our life really was.”

This unconscious drift into emotional isolation is something many couples experience. Josh and Mandy described how they had become “super self-sufficient” in their marriage, dividing responsibilities and essentially operating in separate spheres. “Without saying it openly, we had divvied up ‘this is Mandy’s thing and this is Josh’s thing,’ and the system was working for us in a logistical sense,” Josh shared. This efficiency, however, came at the cost of genuine connection.

What’s particularly striking about their story is how they rationalized their disconnection. Like many couples, they had normalized a level of emotional distance, convincing themselves that their relationship was fine because they weren’t fighting, they spent time in the same physical space, and they could coordinate their busy lives with children. As philosopher Kierkegaard observed, “We find a level of despair we think we can tolerate and we define it as happiness.” This powerful insight perfectly captures how couples can deceive themselves about the growing apathy in their relationships.

The turning point came when Josh and Mandy started intentionally engaging in difficult conversations – what Julia Woods calls “cultivating time where you touch those areas that seem a bit sensitive or scary or uncomfortable.” While most people might find the idea of deliberately creating tension counterintuitive, Josh and Mandy discovered that these conversations were precisely what helped them rebuild connection.

Perhaps the most profound shift in their relationship was the recognition that it’s okay to need each other. As Josh explained, they both came into marriage with “a much more independent view” where showing need was perceived as weakness. Learning to identify areas where they genuinely need each other and communicating about those needs has brought them significantly closer. This vulnerability – acknowledging interdependence rather than maintaining rigid independence – has been transformative.

Another powerful lesson from their journey is becoming aware of what we’re “listening for” in conversations with our partner. Mandy realized she was often interpreting Josh’s words through her own self-critical lens, essentially “shaming herself through Josh.” This insight highlights how our relationship with ourselves profoundly shapes our marriages – we often project our internal criticisms onto our partners, hearing judgment that isn’t actually there.

In just eight weeks after their breakthrough experience, Josh and Mandy reported their loneliness level had dropped dramatically from eight to two. They attribute this transformation to several key practices: intentionally engaging in difficult conversations, learning to identify what they’re “listening for” in those conversations, allowing themselves to grieve aspects of their relationship that aren’t perfect, and persisting through tension rather than retreating to their separate corners.

Their story offers hope and practical wisdom for any couple experiencing that subtle drift toward disconnection. By recognizing the warning signs of emotional distance, committing to honest conversation, and allowing ourselves to need our partners, we can reverse the tide of loneliness and build marriages that thrive rather than merely survive.

Grab your spot at the next Breakthrough Workshop

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