In a powerful episode of the Hey Julia Woods podcast, we witness the profound transformation of a marriage that was once described as “stuck in a mess.” Jordan and Heather, married for six years with a blended family of four children ranging from one to fourteen years old, share their remarkable journey of growth over just one year of focused marriage work.

The couple began their transformational journey at Julia’s Breakthrough retreat, followed by coaching sessions. What makes their story so compelling is the measurable change they experienced—Heather reported a 500% increase in hope for their marriage, while Jordan achieved a 50% increase in emotional intelligence. These aren’t arbitrary numbers; they represent life-changing shifts in how they relate to themselves and each other.

Before their work with Julia, they were caught in a pattern many couples will recognize. Jordan, carrying unresolved trauma from his childhood when his mother attempted suicide multiple times, had developed a pattern of emotional avoidance. “I was abandoning myself, which led to abandoning Heather,” he explains. This abandonment created deep loneliness for both partners, despite living together and raising children as a family.

The mess they found themselves in was characterized by unresolved conflicts, lingering resentment, and the inability to truly see and hear each other. Heather described feeling perpetually unheard and unseen, while Jordan felt paralyzed by fear and anxiety during conflicts, leading him to shut down or avoid difficult conversations altogether.

What’s particularly insightful about their story is how they came to understand the root causes of their patterns. Jordan realized that his fear of abandonment, stemming from childhood trauma with his mother’s mental health struggles, was being triggered during marital conflicts. When faced with tension, his body would react with fear and anxiety, essentially putting him into fight-or-flight mode, where avoidance seemed like the only option.

The break through came when Jordan began recognizing these feelings as they arose and staying present despite the discomfort. “I’m going to find the parts of beauty in it,” he says about facing conflict now. Rather than fleeing when his body signals distress, he’s learning to identify the emotions, name them, and stay engaged. This has led to conflicts that actually resolve rather than fester.

Simultaneously, Heather has been working on her own patterns. Where Jordan would shut down, she would pursue and fight, creating a classic pursue-withdrawal dynamic that only intensified their conflicts. She’s learning to be with herself in those moments rather than “outsourcing her sense of peace” to how Jordan responds. This self-responsibility has been key to their growth.

Perhaps the most beautiful part of their story is how they’re learning to meet their own needs first, rather than expecting their spouse to fill voids that only they can address. As Julia points out, “The relationship we have with ourselves sets the tone for every other relationship.” By nurturing themselves first, they’ve become more capable of truly connecting with each other.

Their journey reminds us that marriage growth isn’t linear. As Jordan notes, some days they take “two or three steps forward and one back.” The key has been learning to have grace for each other as humans and individuals. Heather beautifully summarizes their new perspective: “These challenges are a gift… if we didn’t have them, I don’t think we would have as much appreciation for the good.”

💥💥Everything you need to grow the marriage you long for is waiting for you in the Marriage Growth Community:

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