Talking to my husband often felt like talking to a brick wall. In a desire to connect through conversation, I would ask Jeff questions and all I would get in return were one word answers. It would leave me wanting to scream (and sometimes, I did! ). Can you relate? Conversations and sex in your marriage have a lot more in common than we think.
One day in my despair, I was complaining about Jeff’s one word responses. What he said next helped me to understand something that has since radically changed our ability to connect in our conversations. And how conversations and sex are related in your marriage.
He said, “Honey, if I want to have sex, how does it work if I say ‘let’s just get to it.’”
I responded with, “That doesn’t work. I need foreplay.”
He said, “Exactly. I need the same thing in conversation. You ask such deep questions that require vulnerability and I can’t get vulnerable that quickly. I need you to have some foreplay in the questions you ask.”
My mind was blown. 🤯 Just like foreplay is often needed for one spouse to connect intimately with the other in their sex life. Foreplay may also be needed for a spouse to take conversations to a deeper level.
Over time I learned a few key things about conversations with my husband.
- It was easier for Jeff to have meaningful conversation if I made one point at a time, and then gave him an opportunity to respond.
- In these conversations, he needed to know that I loved him (even if I was talking about something that had upset me).
- When I am communicating something to him, especially if it is about growth I desire in our marriage, he has an easier time staying in the conversation when I can help him know I want & need him.
- My husband is not my journal. Often I would word vomit to Jeff in order to process through things and that would leave him feeling overwhelmed. When I would first take a moment to journal or spend time thinking through things first. It allowed me to organize my thoughts and present the conversation to him one point at a time.
Just as Jeff needed to consider my needs (foreplay) in order to get the results he most wanted in our sex life. I needed to consider his needs (foreplay) to get the connection I deeply desired in conversation.
Below are a few pointers for creating conversation foreplay:
- Give your spouse downtime after walking in the door
- Ask them if this is a good time to chat
- Offer a little snack & drinks
- Start with a simple question
- How was your day?
- Anything you want to share about your day?
- What was your high, low & unexpected today?
I go into more detail on this topic of conversations and sex in the Youtube video below.
You’ll learn more about the simple tips that radically changed our conversations. Taking us from from feelings of loneliness and overwhelm to feeling seen & heard, and creating more connection in our conversations & sex life!
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