In this compelling episode, I delve into the often misunderstood realm of conflict within marriage. As a seasoned wife of over 30 years and a dedicated couples coach, I’ve witnessed firsthand the transformative power of embracing conflict as a catalyst for growth and connection.

Let’s talk about the five vital conversations every couple needs to have about fighting.

1. “What do YOU need?” 

As spouses, you can be each other’s greatest support in shifting out of your survival brains and back into rational. 

In order to become each other’s ally, you need to ask each other what you need when you feel upset or defensive. 

2. “What do you fear?” 

Your greatest fears live in your survival brain, and they drive conversations during conflicts. 

An important conversation to have with each other is; “When we get into a fight, what do you fear?” 

For example, personally, my deepest fear is abandonment, so it helps my husband to know that what I need from him is the reassurance of his commitment to me. 

If he is going to get a towel, he now knows it is helpful to tell me what he is doing because my automatic reaction will be to assume he is leaving me.

3. “How are we reconciling conflict?” 

Growing the marriage that you long for occurs in reconciliation. 

It is important to regularly ask each other, on a scale of 1(low) to 10(high), how well did we reconciled that last conflict. 

What can we grow next time?

This is a vital conversation because it tells your brain that conflicts are a place for growing and learning, and you are working to improve how you do it.

4. “What are we fighting about?”

Every couple has about 3-5 recurring conflicts. These are the tension points in your relationship. 

Just like any treasure hunt, clues are really helpful. Your first clue is to clarify these repeating conflicts for the two of you.

Have a conversation with each other in which you list the repeating fights you have. Pick the top three. When those fights arise again, this clear list will help both of your brains see that you can turn the fight into a treasure hunt as you both look for the gold that wants to be revealed for you in this area of wounding.

5. “What do WE need?” 

Like treasure hunters learn and grow from other treasure hunters, marriage is the same. 

To uncover the treasure in your marriage, you will need guidance from others are mining the gold in their marriages. 

If you need or want support learning to turn your conflicts into connection so you can strike gold, I have an option to give you everything you need, “Marriage Growth Community: Becoming life-giving Communicators.”

In this community, you will gain the tools you need, the coaching I offer, and the support of others who are learning to mine the gold in their marriages one conversation at a time.

It is the most powerful ongoing support system I have ever offered and you can find more information about that using the link below.

https://beautifuloutcome.com/marriage-growth

Are you ready to fight for the marriage you long for? I invite you to watch the full YouTube episode and take the first step towards a more fulfilling relationship.

And in the comment section on YouTube, I’d love to hear which conversation resonated with you the most and how you plan to implement these insights into your own relationship journey.

Click here to join me today for my latest YouTube episode.