After thousands of hours of coaching couples, I know that arguments can get very heated with your spouse and many can explode on their spouse in the middle of a fight.

Do you ever feel like you’re about to erupt and all you want is to exit the argument and be done with it?

Sometimes it seems easier to give up, and throw in the towel, and yet, it does not help the two of you experience connection, understanding, or ultimately the marriage you long for!

Many times, when arguing with my husband, Jeff, I would feel this intense energy inside of me which felt like I was about to explode. Sometimes I DID explode at him in fights and then I would say things I wished I hadn’t. Other times I found it easier to storm out the door and walk super fast until the energy of my upset seemed to subside a bit.

When I would come back to the house, I would sometimes apologize for something I had done during the conflict that was bothering me. And other times I would say nothing as I was waiting for my husband to apologize first. That led to silence between us that could last for days…

Here are 2 things I didn’t know that are changing everything…

#1. Emotions are thoughts trapped in the body looking for language

The explosive feeling I had internally was my emotions trying to speak. They were trying to get my attention so I could give them a voice. The more I told myself what I couldn’t say or that what I was feeling was wrong, the bigger the emotional energy inside of me grew.

#2. Our feelings come from our thoughts.

As humans we are meaning machines – we add meaning to everything! I constantly was making up what my husband meant by what he said or what he did. When he made a certain face at me, I told myself he thought what I was saying was irrelevant. As long as I thought he felt I was irrelevant, I felt smaller and smaller and got more and more defensive.

‌Of course I couldn’t have told you I was making up that he thought I was irrelevant, but my emotions and thoughts were like a massive storm brewing inside of me and carrying me away from understanding and connection.

‌What I didn’t realize was that my intense desire to go on a walk was my body directing me into what I needed!

‌Over time, I have come to be more aware of my body and what it needs in the middle of arguments and go about meeting those needs in a way that allows me to connect with my husband, even in the midst of a heated discussion.

‌I have a 3-step process that has helped me and many other couples navigate these tense moments. This has allowed me to have the space for my brain to reset and process all the feelings and emotions, and then come back to my husband in a way that opens the door for connection.

‌The Process:

Step 1: Request a pause – communicate what I needed. This can sound like, “My emotions are really high right now and I don’t think I can show up in this conversation in a way that is going to be beneficial for us. Can we pause this and revisit in X minutes?”

Step 2: Ask myself what I am feeling and what I am making up

Step 3: Come back and share what I am discovering and ask questions

‌In the middle of arguments, it can be easy to let our thoughts tell us there are no options. THERE ARE ALWAYS OPTIONS. Going for a walk and resetting myself has been one of the most beneficial things I can do for myself, for my spouse, and my marriage.

‌If you want to hear more about this, join me on my latest YouTube episode, “Unlock Unlock Your Inner Strength: How to Keep Going When You Feel Like You Can’t .”

Comment below and I’d love to hear ways you have tried to burn off steam in the middle of an argument!

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