One of the biggest connection blockers in marriage is defensiveness. Defensiveness causes disconnection in relationships and can deteriorate a couple’s bond. There are four defensive reactions that block connection with our spouse and today, my latest YouTube episode shares four of the most defensive reactions people use in relationships, and how you can stop them.
Watch now or scroll below for the highlights!
The Four Defensive Reactions that Block Connection With Your Spouse:
1. Wanting to be Right
Being right is ingrained in us as humans as a way of surviving in the world. However, most couples want more in their marriage than just surviving.
However, when we get into conflict – our fears, doubts, and insecurities flare up and our survival system kicks in resulting in us wanting to defend our rightness.
Marriage is about a partnership – not just protecting ourselves. If we can shift to a mindset and look at any conflict from an “us” perspective, defensiveness can go away and connection comes in.
2. Making it about YOU instead of hearing THEM
When I’m in a conversation with my husband, my natural inclination is to make everything he is saying about me (even if it seems like he *is* saying it about me).
As humans, what we are communicating to others tends to be more about us. When we don’t want to look at something in ourselves – we often project it onto our spouse. As humans we tend to project our fears, insecurities, and self-doubts onto each other. So, when our spouse is talking to us about something, it’s more than likely about something that is going on in them than in us, and vice versa!
If you are pointing your finger at your spouse, look to see if it’s actually something going on with you. If you feel your spouse pointing a finger at you, lovingly invite them to get curious about what’s going on for them.
As you both are able to see what’s coming up for each of you, you will see the tides change from disconnection to connection.
The moment something doesn’t go the way we want it to go, we look for someone to blame, and it’s easy to think everyone or everything else is the problem but us.
The truth is we ALWAYS have a contribution to the current results we are getting, even if it’s only 5%!
If you can take 100% responsibility for the 5% of your contribution, you can literally change the entire circumstance, and it can open up deeper opportunities for connection.
4. Fighting for the Intention vs. Impact
In most arguments, one spouse is fighting for their intention and the other is fighting for their impact.
Example: My husband was intending to not wake me in the middle of the night so he neglected to put the toilet seat back down, but the impact his choices had on me was I fell into the toilet.
It’s easy for us to each fight against each other making our case for either our intention or the impact of the other, but that will get us nowhere fast (hello disconnection!). What helped me get out of our toilet fiasco was slowing down, listening to my husband’s intention, and holding a space for his heart… and also owning my part in this too!
If you want to hear me elaborate on this more (as well as share more personal examples), I invite you to join me today on my latest YouTube episode – “Busting The Myths: Unveiling The Biggest Misconceptions About Growing Connection In Relationships”
I would love to hear from you which of the four defensive reactions you resonate with the most! Please say hi and leave your response in the YouTube comments. I love reading and engaging with you all there!
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